


Help! I can't Find My Stalker!

by grimmswan



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Mystery, characters in peril
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-12 01:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20163265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimmswan/pseuds/grimmswan
Summary: Crack Fic!! Captain Hook has been following Emma Swan. Robin Hood has been following Regina Mills. Both women claim to be annoyed by it until one day when the men go missing. Snow, Charming, Emma and Regina work together to find them.





	Help! I can't Find My Stalker!

**Author's Note:**

> The writer fully understands that stalking is a serious matter and must be taken seriously. This is just some silly story, please do not think I endorse stalking.

David Nolan watched his daughter go to the window for what must have been the third time in less than ten minutes. Her neck stretching and her eyes darting about as if in search of something.  
“Emma, you’re starting to look like that cat we had on the farm that my mother kept inside the house. She was always looking out the windows watching for the birds. What are you doing?”  
“I haven’t seen Hook at all today.” She explained with concern. “He’s usually on some roof or near some alleyway, watching me from his telescope, but I haven’t seen a trace of him all day.”  
At that moment, Mayor Mills entered the precinct.  
Regina strode up to Emma and David. “My stalker is missing.” She said in irritation.  
“Yours too!” Emma asked in surprise. “I haven’t seen mine all day. It’s not like him.”  
“It’s not like mine either. And I’m starting to get annoyed. He was supposed to be following me as I walked to my office this morning, but I didn’t see him.”  
David looked between his daughter and his step mother in law in confusion. “So? Let me get this straight. The two of you are upset because your stalkers are no longer stalking you? Isn’t that a good thing?”  
“Of course it isn’t, you fool. Are you dense? If Robin isn’t trailing after me, then something must have happened to him.”  
“Dad! Killian just wouldn’t give up. It’s not in his nature.” Emma informed her father.  
“I need to call Snow. Maybe she can explain this to me.”  
Fifteen minutes later, Snow White appeared at the station. Instead of explaining anything to her husband over the phone, she had told him to tell the other two women she was on her way and then had hung up. Now, she was standing in the station, listening to Emma and Regina go on about how the men who had been following them all over Storybrooke for several weeks now, were suddenly nowhere to be seen.  
“Why don’t we go to Granny’s and see if anyone knows anything?” She suggested.  
As the four made their way to the popular place, David hung slightly back with his wife and asked, “Will you please help me understand why they’re worried about men they claimed they had no interest in? I thought they would be relieved about not being followed around anymore.”  
“Oh, David. They’ve obviously decided that their men are important to them. Both Regina and Emma needed complete and absolute devotion in order to feel safe enough to let someone get close. Neither man has ever been threatening or violent in their pursuit. And they seemed to have made the woman they were interested in feel safe.”  
“Okay, that explains why Emma and Regina are acting they way they are. But what if Killian and Robin have just given up their pursuits?”  
“I seriously doubt that happened. Do you really think a man who pursued revenge for two hundred years, would just give up once he found something better?”  
While David certainly believed Emma was worth fighting for, he wasn’t really sure the pirate believed it. Then again, he may have just been thinking as an overprotective father who didn’t believe anyone was good enough for his little girl, or was capable of treating her the way she deserved.  
But seriously! What was his life where he had to help his daughter and his step mother in law find their stalkers?  
The four walked up to the counter, where Granny was giving Leroy his to go order.  
“Have you heard anyone talking about where Robin of Locksley or Captain Hook, Killian Jones might be?” Snow White asked.  
“The last time I saw those two,” Leroy said. “They were in the Rabbit Hole, each with a drink and looking at some piece of paper that had an advertisement on it.”  
“Do you remember the advertisement?” Emma asked.  
“Something about perfume, I think.” The dwarf responded.  
“Wait! I think I might have the advertisement here.” Granny said. She then pulled out a light purple colored paper with elaborate writing.  
“Win the heart of your true love.” David read out loud. “Give her perfume specially designed for her. The three sisters perfumery will customize a one of a kind perfume, tailored made for your lady love. No other woman in the world is like her. So doesn’t she deserve a perfume that no other woman in the world will have?”  
“Flyers like that were spread all over Storybrooke yesterday. Just about everyone at the hospital had one stuck in the wiper of their car.” Whale, who had been eavesdropping as he picked up his coffee, said.  
“Looks like that Pirate and the Outlaw are having custom perfumes made.” Leroy said.  
Regina turned to Emma, “Would your man miss out on seeing you first thing in the morning, because he was in too big a hurry to get you a gift?”  
Emma shook her head. “No. Killian would have followed me to work and then, once he had seen I was indoors, he would have taken off to do whatever he had in mind.”  
“Mine is the same way.” Regina said. “I don’t trust this situation. “I’ve set enough traps to recognize one.”  
“Me too. If you want to catch somebody, you lure them in using what they’re interested in. I was very successful in bounty hunting, because most bale jumpers were heterosexual men.” Emma added.  
“A father should not have to hear these things from his daughter.”  
Snow patted her husband’s shoulder to comfort him. She had a feeling that before the day was done, he would be requiring a lot of cuddling to soothe his fractured mind.  
“Don’t you think it’s a little odd that they’ve fallen for the guys who have been stalking them?” David asked his wife.  
“You’re joking, right?” Regina said, her eyebrows furrowed.  
“What?” the blonde man looked genuinely puzzled.  
“Dad, the family motto is “I will always find you.” I’m pretty sure that’s what stalkers say.” Emma explained to her father with an amused grin.  
“It’s not the same thing!” He tried to defend.  
“It’s alright.” Snow snuggled closer to her husband. “We are happy. We are in love. That’s really all that matters.”  
David sighed in defeat.  
“If I had a personal item of Robin’s, I could create a tracking spell to find him.” Regina said.  
“Wherever Robin is, Hook should be.” Snow suggested. She turned to her daughter and asked. “Do you have anything that belonged to Hook?”  
Emma thought for a moment then reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out an old and slightly dirty cloth.  
“When we climbed the beanstalk, I cut my hand. He wrapped it up with this.” She explained.  
“And you kept it?” Regina inquired with a grin.  
“Can you make a tracking spell with this or not.” Emma said with force, trying to hide her embarrassment at the fact she was obviously more into the pirate than she let on.  
“Of course.” Regina smirked knowingly. “Hopefully Robin is with the pirate.”  
While Emma and Regina made the potion, Snow and Charming gathered weapons.  
The potion was poured on the scarf, and the item rose, flying in the direction of the forest.  
The four gave chase, following it to the mining caves.  
“I swear, when I get a hold of that pirate, I am tying him to my bed and keeping him there. It’s apparently where he wants to be and the only place I’ll know he’ll be safe.” Emma grumbled.  
“I know a few spells I can teach you to make that happen.” Regina offered. “I’ll be using them myself on a certain outlaw once I get my hands on him.”  
“I really do not need to be hearing any of this.” Charming said loudly. Unfortunately, neither his daughter or his step mother in law seemed to be listening to him.  
As they made their way down the tunnel the scarf traveled through, they all kept as silent as possible, listening for those who took Robin and Killian.  
\----------------------------------------------------  
The three witches stood over their cauldron, mixing their potion, while Killian and Robin were left tied up and leaning against the cave wall.  
“Sisters, Have we not done well? With this pirate and this archer who hath fallen under our spell?”  
“Oh yes, sister. The love they hold in their hearts is strong. The enchanted paper did not tell us wrong.”  
“We shall drain them dry, of their love felt true, and be young and beautiful, thanks to these two.”  
“I thought that spell was just a myth?” Robin said in a hushed voice.  
“What spell?” Killian asked.  
“A spell that can turn love into energy that would make the being that drained it youthful. Stories were told when I was a lad to not trust old hags living in the forest, especially if I loved someone and thought it was unrequited. Because it was easier to trick a man in desperate love.”  
“Let’s hope your queen has grown fond of you.” Killian said to Robin. “And finds us before we become food to these witches.”  
“I’m sure she will be accompanied by your princess.” The outlaw replied.  
“I doubt Emma even knows I’m missing. I’ve always taken great care to watch over her, unseen. She would have yelled at me to leave her alone otherwise.”  
Robin scoffed. “Everyone knows that the Sheriff leaves her home at exactly the same time every morning just so you’ll be able to follow her around the whole day.”  
“You have no idea how much I want to believe that.” Killian said with an obvious ache in his voice.  
“Killian!” Emma gasped. Her knuckles turned white as she clenched her fists tight.  
“Focus on your desires.” Regina whispered to Emma. “Magic is only as powerful as the emotion fueling it. Think about what you want to do.”  
“What I want to do is burn these bitches.”  
“My thoughts exactly.”  
Regina shot a large fireball straight at the cauldron, knocking it over and spilling its contents all over the conjurers.  
The three women shrieked. “No! They have come for the admirers. Stop them!”  
Strange beasts jumped from the shadows and leaped at the heroes. Snow shot her arrows with great speed, hitting a creature in the heart while it was still in the air. David swung his sword, removing the head of another beast.  
Emma and Regina were kept busy with the three witches, each woman using her on special style in the battle. Though Emma was new at the whole magic wielding thing and Regina had not practiced much since enacting her curse, what they held in their hearts for their gentleman proved so strong it allowed them to easily overpower the ancient beings.  
One of the hags tried to separate herself from the fight and move toward Robin and Killian, but was stopped by and arrow to the leg from Snow White.  
“You three are done.” Regina said with a smug grin. Cuffs that kept a being from using magic were placed on their wrists and the mayor than poofed them into padded rooms in the hospital basement.  
All focus then turned to Robin and Killian.  
Regina waved her hand causing the ropes to fall away from the men. Each man spoke the name of the woman who held his heart with awe and reverence.  
And to each man’s surprise and delight, they found themselves holding the focus of their deepest desires and obsessions. Meeting their lips in kisses so deep and passionate, they threatened to set fire to the entire world.  
Snow pulled a very put upon looking David out of the cave, wanting to give the other two couples some privacy. Though it was obvious Charming also wanted to pull his daughter away from the pirate.  
The group made their way to Granny’s for a celebratory dinner and to let everyone know Robin and Killian were safe.  
Many of the patrons shared amused smirks when they saw how the ladies clung very tightly to the men of whom just a week prior they claimed they couldn’t stand.  
“So how did you two become prisoners to the hag sisters?” Leroy asked.  
“The last thing I remember is walking back to the camp when suddenly everything went black. When I next opened my eyes, I was tied up in a cave.” Robin explained.  
“Aye, same for me. Only I was walking along the docks. I think those papers allowed those witches to see who would be best suited for their draining spell.” Killian added.  
“Draining spell?” Emma asked. “What exactly was their plan?”  
“They were making a potion they were going to force Hook and I to drink. I we did, it would have caused what I think we both feared was unrequited love to rise to the surface and then it could be consumed by the witches. Making them young once again.” Robin explained.  
“Unrequited love?”  
“Whether it’s required or not is not the important thing. It what the person who possesses it feels. It just has to be love and it has to hold no expectations. Meaning the person must love unconditionally. Even knowing that they could be a fool for the one who holds their heart.”  
Emma looked at Killian, who was blushing and scratching behind his ear nervously. Her own eyes and face held wonder and amazement.  
“Killian?”  
“Yes, Swan.” He looked at her, hope shining in his eyes.  
“I would really like it if you walked next to me when I go to work in the mornings.” She said softly.  
“As you wish, Emma.” He replied in breathless awe. Barely able to speak with how happy he was at the turn of events.  
Regina purred to Robin, “And I expect you to stop hiding and walk with me like a normal suitor.”  
“Of course, my lady.” The archer said with a bright grin.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
A few days later at Storybrooke’s lingerie boutique:  
“You might want to get extra laces?” Regina suggested.  
“Hook is very patient. And really good with his hand and hook. I’m sure he’ll be able to undo the laces without tearing them.” Emma returned.  
“Miss Swan, if you’re doing your job right, the pirate won’t have enough blood left in his brain to be able to think, let alone focus enough to untie a corset.”  
Emma bought the extra laces.


End file.
